As an older sister, I’m almost forced to carry myself confidently. I always have to know what I’m doing (or at least make it look like I know what I’m doing). I always have to say the right things and be the “bigger person” (lame). I know my brother and sister are watching my every move so I only want to give off a good impression. I quietly take tips from Tyrone and Kedre when I see them in their “older sibling” role. The way Tyrone makes sure his brother keeps his head on straight and focused and the way Kedre toughens up his little sister but still drills in her head that his love for her is unconditional and can never be toggled.
I’m constantly told that my little sister is becoming who I am so I have to get my life together asap. <strong>But the truth is I don’t. </strong>I have no clue who I am, what I want to be, where I want to be.. It’s all a blur. I wing my life like I wing my eyeliner. Every day I’m hoping for the best and if I fail, I pretend that I didn’t. I pick myself up and start over. I mean, I try to.
The other day while eating french toast for dinner, Tyrone asked if I start every day as a new day. Do I hold on to grudges? Do I hold on to my failures? Do I hold on to anger? I do. I struggle to see every morning as a clean slate. It’s like baggage I can’t let go of. When I wake up in the morning, I continue my mood from the night before– good or bad. It’s a bad habit that I need to lose. Sadness and anger are where I am most comfortable. I drag myself around because being too happy puts me in the position to be pushed down and I have a hard time handling that. It’s almost like being happy is too much work. But then I see it in my sister. Her patience runs low for my brother the same way my patience runs low for her. I’m with her so often that she gets so much of my subconscious anger but who I am really mad at? Her for not closing the light on her way out of my room? Or do I really hate myself because I’m not satisfied with who I am? I almost broke down at work because I misspelled the same word twice and <em>I always make the same mistake twice</em> started taunting me.
If any of you have watched Pixar’s “Inside Out”, you’ll know who I’m talking about when I say people call me “Sadness”. If not, <a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWhORs6tSJY” target=”_blank”>click here.</a> The innocent blue character with matching blue hair, always sad and always ruining everything she puts her hands on. She constantly messes up and just carries her grief like it’s all that she owns. All she has to show is the mistakes she’s made in her lifetime. I do the same except I sugar coat everything. I post selfies and pictures of my exciting life to make the world believe I’m happy with an exciting life, when the truth is, I have never felt more lost.
I am in Uplifted Society because it makes my mind work the contrary. In those moments, my happiness is genuine. I love what I do, I love hearing that we’re changing lives, I love that our team is getting recognized. Nothing can replace the moment when we’re speaking to an audience and their eyes open in realization that they are not alone in whatever they feel they can’t overcome. They realize that things can get better. The members of Uplifted Society are living proof that things are going to suck sometimes, but it is never the end.
<blockquote>”I seen a baby cry then seconds later she laughed. The beauty in life, the pain never lasts.” – J.Cole, The Badness</blockquote>
For the first time, I’ve put my all into something that could potentially slip through my finger tips. It’s a gamble, but it’s worth it. Because for the first time in a long time, I’ve found a place where I can be with some cool ass people and I get to be the annoying Jamie I really am. The happier side.
How many of us are genuinely happy and how many of us are just lugging ourselves around hoping for a better tomorrow? As Kedre would say, stop hoping and start doing. Everyone has someone they are influencing even if they don’t know it. Whether you have a younger sibling, a friend, or a co-worker, you might just be someone’s mentor. Look for an escape from this depressing and polluted world. Be a better version of you. Be a mentor. There is so much potential in so many people and you might be their trigger to become better themselves.
Start every day fresh. Be who you want to be right now and it will all come with time and hard work. Kanye told us “nothing’s every promised tomorrow today” right? Get up, stop being Sadness and start being Joy. You’re good, babyboo. A minute of silence for you, someone with potential to be the best and someone with the potential to mentor someone to be the best themselves. Time isn’t your side chick, she ain’t waiting for nobody! Get to steppin’.