Dancing with the devil

If what doesn’t kill me really makes me stronger then I’d rather have a million dark days than mediocre sunshine in the hours the sun feels bad for me. I can’t say I’ve lived the worst life but I’ve danced with demons some of you will never meet. I’m immune to you-better-figure-it-out situations. I’ve sat on cold washroom floors at 3AM drowning myself in issues and insecurities. I know to wear all black so that the red doesn’t show. I know how much time I have before I hear my grandparents creaking the floors downstairs to turn on the coffee pot just in time for dawn. I’ve mastered lying through my teeth every single time someone asks me how I am because “I’m good” is an easier answer for someone who doesn’t actually care. It took me a while to learn the difference between someone who is genuinely concerned and someone who just needs their dose of drama that isn’t theirs. Nobody has any f’s to give these days anyway, right? That’s the cool thing to do now, right? I’ve had my fair share of opening up to the wrong people and I’ve definitely had more than my fair share of snitches. Because of this, I’ve learned it’s easiest to just shut up. My problems are behind a rusty door that needs to be greased because I can’t remember the last time someone came to visit.

I use to be an open book. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I cried when I needed to and I laughed until I couldn’t hold the food in my mouth any longer. I’d call my girls whenever I needed to vent and to brag to them about whatever I could. It wasn’t until Grade 11 when I realized that no one actually cares more about me than me. Of course my family cares and of course my closest friends do too. But who will ever get it better than yourself? You know why you’re hurt and you know why you feel why you feel. It’s up to them to decide if they want to understand. Since then, I’ve gone silent. I got over the spotlight. I stepped down because I hated how much everyone knew. I felt like they were collecting things to use against me later on in life even if that was never their intention. If you know me personally (and by personally I mean as general as you follow me on Instagram), you probably believe my smiles, my satisfaction of every meal, and quickly realized I’m a sneaker addict but that’s beyond the point. I’ve gone cold to my problems. Out of sight, out of mind. I tell everyone that nothing is wrong so often that almost I believe it. Everyone sees my perfect family, my perfect relationship and my hair with zero fly-away selfies.

The truth is I miss it. I miss being able to open up to people over a simple coffee. I miss not having to think twice about if they’re going to run and tell my business to someone else. I can’t get over the fact that someone might find out that I don’t actually live a picture perfect life. I realized a few weeks ago that I’ve only been hurting myself. I sit in my anger all by myself. I make decisions too quickly and I jump to conclusions because I’ve come to the point where I don’t know where to find a second opinion. No one understands because I haven’t given anyone the opportunity to. I’ve become completely closed off. I keep myself busy because for a second, I genuinely forget. It’s like when you’re having so much fun that you lose your phone, except in this case I get so caught up in genuine happiness that I forget that I have issues to deal with.

I’m beginning to grow from that. I’m learning how to trust again. I’m learning how to pour my heart out with no shame. I’m learning how to call people at the peak of helplessness because someone out there really does care about me. Someone out there really cares about you. I know a lot of people that are closed off the way I am for the same reasons. I have a few friends that have been diagnosed with depression because they did it for too long. It hurts me to watch people struggle alone. Sometimes we need to let it all out no matter how much our mascara might run or how puffy our eyes might get. A good meltdown every now and then only gives you a fresh start. A few blogs ago I spoke on believing in a fresher tomorrow. You have to look forward to brighter days. Even when everything feels so wrong.. even a broken clock is right at least twice a day.

This blog might not end as end happy because I’m not completely there yet. I’m still on this journey to figure out how I really want my life to play out and who I want to take with me moving forward. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how I want my story to be told but until then, here’s a cold dark glimpse of where I stand right now. I keep UPSO as close as I can because it’s the grease to the doors of finally voicing my thoughts. It’s where I know everything is going to be okay. It’s with people I know genuinely love me and it’s a family that I’ve always needed. UPSO is my taste of parenthood. I never want UPSO to be hurt, I never want UPSO to feel alone, I never want UPSO to feel neglected. If I could speak to UPSO as a human, I’d want them to know that it owns my whole heart, all my trust, and it is everything I believe in. I want them to understand that I can see their potential and I won’t stop until we get there. I am only grateful I get to share this with Tyrone and Kedre. I get to watch all of us grow as a team, struggle as a team, and stress as a team. I get front row seats to the happiness of a sold out order, the joy in students faces at school events, and the feeling of “everything is going to be okay.” This blog is for the ones who are still trying to figure out how to be happy again. You can recover. Just believe you can recover. Don’t stop anywhere short of happiness.

You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell.

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